The summer between 2nd and 3rd grade we moved to San Bernardino, California. My brothers and I loved this house. Our yard butted up against a large orange field and there was lots of room to run and play. My bedroom was in the front of the house and there were 2 very large windows, that if you didn't shut the curtains anything happening in the room could be seen. I thought at first this would prevent my dad from coming in my room to hurt me. It was not a deterrent though, he just kept the curtains closed and told me I was not allowed to open them.
That summer also brought some happy times. My mom's sister, her husband and her niece came from Washington state to visit. These memories are so precious to me. While they were here I was safe and I started developing a relationship with them, that in the years to come, would prove to be my saving grace.
While they were here we did things together, like other families did. We went to Disney Land and Knott's Berry Farm and for a while I could forget about the things that hurt. My aunt spent hours playing, making paper dolls and just spending time with me. I cried and cried when the day came that they had to leave. That night my dad visited my room again. When he finished and left my room I took my pillow and blanket back to the closet to sleep.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
California
Second grade brought big changes to my life. My dad retired from the Air Force and we moved to Rialto California. Both my mom and dad had full time jobs at this point. During the summer, my brothers were responsible to watch me. Once in awhile though, one of my parents would have a day off during the week. My brothers loved it when this happened, because without the responsibility of watching me, they could run and play with their friends.
One day, towards the end of summer, my dad was home while my mom worked. My brothers were all off playing with their friends. As I often did, I was in my room playing with my dolls. It wasn't long before my dad came in and sat on the floor next to me. This had never happened before. He started talking about a "friend" of his. He said his friend would always be watching me to make sure I was safe. He also said he knew a game we could play together. He said it was a special game that would be just for us, that I couldn't tell anyone else about it. He said he was sure I would like the game and asked if I wanted to play. I was 6 years old and had no idea what my dad was talking about but a game sounded fun to me.
As he talked he stood, picking me up and setting me on my bed. He started to take my panties off. I pushed his hands and told him to stop but he said to be still and quiet. He said it was all part of the game. While he unzipped his pants I tried to get up but he held me down. I was scared and crying, I had no idea what he was doing but I knew I didn't want to be there. He talked, telling me to be still, reminding me it was part of our game. Before long there was a horrible pain between my legs and I screamed. He slapped me and his hand went over my mouth as I felt the movement of his body. It seemed like he was never going to stop. When he finally did, the weight of his body on me was almost unbearable.
It wasn't long before he got up and left my room. I could hear him drawing bath water as I lay on my bed crying. It hurt and I was bleeding. I had never been so scared. I heard him turn the water off and he came back to my room. As he walked towards my bed, I cried harder. He told me that next time I better not scream and he reminded me that his friend would be watching me all the time. He said his friend would tell him if I told anyone about our game. Then he told me to get in the bath and clean myself up.
Although I didn't know it at the time, this was just the beginning of what my life would be like. Many years have passed and although I now know my dad's "friend" wasn't real, I can still see his image in my head.
It is hard at times to tell my story but I believe that it is one that needs to be told. I am telling my story so others will know they are not the "only" ones. I want them to know it wasn't their fault. I want you, as our friends, to understand some of what we lived through. I want people to realize that these things really do happen. Most important, I want you to know that working though the abuse will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but that it is worth it and you CAN do it.
One day, towards the end of summer, my dad was home while my mom worked. My brothers were all off playing with their friends. As I often did, I was in my room playing with my dolls. It wasn't long before my dad came in and sat on the floor next to me. This had never happened before. He started talking about a "friend" of his. He said his friend would always be watching me to make sure I was safe. He also said he knew a game we could play together. He said it was a special game that would be just for us, that I couldn't tell anyone else about it. He said he was sure I would like the game and asked if I wanted to play. I was 6 years old and had no idea what my dad was talking about but a game sounded fun to me.
As he talked he stood, picking me up and setting me on my bed. He started to take my panties off. I pushed his hands and told him to stop but he said to be still and quiet. He said it was all part of the game. While he unzipped his pants I tried to get up but he held me down. I was scared and crying, I had no idea what he was doing but I knew I didn't want to be there. He talked, telling me to be still, reminding me it was part of our game. Before long there was a horrible pain between my legs and I screamed. He slapped me and his hand went over my mouth as I felt the movement of his body. It seemed like he was never going to stop. When he finally did, the weight of his body on me was almost unbearable.
It wasn't long before he got up and left my room. I could hear him drawing bath water as I lay on my bed crying. It hurt and I was bleeding. I had never been so scared. I heard him turn the water off and he came back to my room. As he walked towards my bed, I cried harder. He told me that next time I better not scream and he reminded me that his friend would be watching me all the time. He said his friend would tell him if I told anyone about our game. Then he told me to get in the bath and clean myself up.
Although I didn't know it at the time, this was just the beginning of what my life would be like. Many years have passed and although I now know my dad's "friend" wasn't real, I can still see his image in my head.
It is hard at times to tell my story but I believe that it is one that needs to be told. I am telling my story so others will know they are not the "only" ones. I want them to know it wasn't their fault. I want you, as our friends, to understand some of what we lived through. I want people to realize that these things really do happen. Most important, I want you to know that working though the abuse will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but that it is worth it and you CAN do it.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The beginning
When I was 2-3 years old my family lived in Japan. My dad,who was in the Air Force, was stationed over there. During the day my dad and mom would go to work while my 3 older brothers went to school. I was at home with a babysitter, her name was Shiako (not sure if I am spelling that right but it is how it sounded). I don't remember everything from this time but there are some things that are very clear to me. One day my mom was driving and one of my brothers and I were in the back seat of the car. Suddenly, the driver behind us bumped into our car. Wow! He came up to my mom's window and was yelling in Japanese. He sounded so angry and my mom, I don't think she knew a word he was saying. At some point someone from the military base came over and helped. LOL The things we remember!
The other very clear memory I have is when my dad started hurting me. He had a favorite chair, that no one was suppose to sit in but him. He would have me come up on his lap and he would then put an afghan over us. His hands would rub my arms and legs then he would move under my dress, between my legs. This started out slowly, just once in awhile. Soon after this began, my dad was transferred and we moved back to the United States. Once we were settled, my dad started this behavior once again. I was much to young to understand what was going on. All I knew at that time was that he was my daddy, I loved him and I was suppose to do what he told me to do.
This was the beginning. I am thankful that I didn't know what lay ahead for me. Just how long and how bad the abuse would become. I know that the only reason I am here to tell my story is because God protected me. Not everyone understands me when I say that. They ask how God could have allowed this to happen? Why didn't God stop it? Some have told me that they don't believe there is a God or things like this would never happen. I don't know all the answers. I do know that God created us with free will and He lets us choose how we are going to live our life. Innocent people, even children can be hurt because of others actions. Actions that they choose to do. God can stop all the bad things from happening but then He would be taking away our free will. God wants us to choose - choose to follow Him or choose not to. We all sin but those that choose not to follow Him will often do really bad things. These things affect other people, not just themselves. We live in a fallen world and bad things will happen, we all will go through rough times. Those of us that have Jesus in our life have hope though. Those that don't, well, they don't have any hope.
The other very clear memory I have is when my dad started hurting me. He had a favorite chair, that no one was suppose to sit in but him. He would have me come up on his lap and he would then put an afghan over us. His hands would rub my arms and legs then he would move under my dress, between my legs. This started out slowly, just once in awhile. Soon after this began, my dad was transferred and we moved back to the United States. Once we were settled, my dad started this behavior once again. I was much to young to understand what was going on. All I knew at that time was that he was my daddy, I loved him and I was suppose to do what he told me to do.
This was the beginning. I am thankful that I didn't know what lay ahead for me. Just how long and how bad the abuse would become. I know that the only reason I am here to tell my story is because God protected me. Not everyone understands me when I say that. They ask how God could have allowed this to happen? Why didn't God stop it? Some have told me that they don't believe there is a God or things like this would never happen. I don't know all the answers. I do know that God created us with free will and He lets us choose how we are going to live our life. Innocent people, even children can be hurt because of others actions. Actions that they choose to do. God can stop all the bad things from happening but then He would be taking away our free will. God wants us to choose - choose to follow Him or choose not to. We all sin but those that choose not to follow Him will often do really bad things. These things affect other people, not just themselves. We live in a fallen world and bad things will happen, we all will go through rough times. Those of us that have Jesus in our life have hope though. Those that don't, well, they don't have any hope.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Roadblocks
It seems like every year when spring arrives, so does the construction. Construction is an inevitable part of good weather. Whether they are repairing older roads or building new ones, construction seems to be everywhere. You start out in the morning, maybe going to work. You know your route and you follow it until the constructions signs and roadblocks. Then you have to stop and think of another path to take. You know that there are many different ways to get to where you are going so you just follow another path.
Our lives are often like that. We have a plan. Maybe a certain career path that we are following. You feel this career choice is the right one for you. You have prayed and have always felt God leading you in this direction. You do all the research to plan out the path you need to follow to get there as quickly as possible. Along the way, things are hard. Your ok with that and continue along your path. You work hard and keep learning. Then BOOM! There is a roadblock. One that can't be moved. One that you can't get around. Does that mean that you were on the wrong path? That you were not following God? I don't think so. I believe that we often have these roadblocks. There was something along this path that God wanted you to learn. You may have misunderstood where that path would end up even though you started out on the right path. Roadblocks are not always easy in life but we do a lot of growing and learning through them. God has a plan and His plan may not always be the straightest or fastest path to the destination He has for us.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Roller-coasters
I used to love riding on roller-coasters. I loved the ups and downs, the sudden change of directions, never quite knowing what was around the next corner. Then the ride would would come to an end. It was such a thrill and sometimes I would ride them over and over again.
I have come to realize that our lives are very much like that roller-coaster. We have ups and downs, things can happen that lead us in a totally different direction than we thought we were going. We never quite know what is around the next corner. Sometimes, it can be something that is thrilling and we are happy about. Other times it can be things that are much more challenging to deal with.
One thing that I have learned in the past few years is that no matter what happens, no matter how little hope I feel at the time, there is one constant in my life, God. He knows everything that is ever going to happen. He is always with me, no matter what. He loves me and when things are really hard He will carry me through. Even when I feel like I don't have the strength to carry on, all I have to do is call on His name.
Our life will always be like a roller-coaster. We will have both good days and bad days. We never know what the future holds. There is always hope though. God is the reason I am here today. He is the reason that I survived my past. He is the reason that I can get up and face each and every day, no matter what they might bring.
I have come to realize that our lives are very much like that roller-coaster. We have ups and downs, things can happen that lead us in a totally different direction than we thought we were going. We never quite know what is around the next corner. Sometimes, it can be something that is thrilling and we are happy about. Other times it can be things that are much more challenging to deal with.
One thing that I have learned in the past few years is that no matter what happens, no matter how little hope I feel at the time, there is one constant in my life, God. He knows everything that is ever going to happen. He is always with me, no matter what. He loves me and when things are really hard He will carry me through. Even when I feel like I don't have the strength to carry on, all I have to do is call on His name.
Our life will always be like a roller-coaster. We will have both good days and bad days. We never know what the future holds. There is always hope though. God is the reason I am here today. He is the reason that I survived my past. He is the reason that I can get up and face each and every day, no matter what they might bring.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wondering
Have you ever gone somewhere, like a park and just sat and watched everyone around you? There's the woman with 2 kids playing on the swings. You can hear them laugh and as you watch, they seem to be in their own little world. You see a little girl in the sandbox playing alone. Watching her for a few minutes tells you that the man sitting on a nearby park bench is her daddy. Then there is the older couple walking hand in hand along the outer edge of the park. Its such a beautiful day outside and all seems well with those around you. Sit a little longer. Really look. Do you see anything else? Do you see the child who is quiet and just stays on the outside looking in? Do you see the woman with sunglasses, the one that never seems to take them off? With her is a little boy, no doubt her son, who is wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt. You may wonder why he is dressed like that on such a hot summer day. As your eyes go back to the little girl in the sandbox, you see her dad looking in her direction. Your too far away to hear, but it appears that he is yelling at her. You can see her shrink as he continues to yell. As you watch all those around you, you wonder...What are their stories? Where do they come from? What does the future hold for each person there? These are just some of the thoughts that come to me as I watch people. I also think about my life. My past, my present, and my future. Did someone ever sit and watch me as a child? Wondering what my life was like? Did anyone ever see that something wasn't quite right? Or did people just see what they wanted to see? Do we do that? Do we see things that are not quite right and just ignore it? Or do we stand up and confront the things we see are wrong? Just some of the wondering that I do.
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