California

Second grade brought big changes to my life. My dad retired from the Air Force and we moved to Rialto California. Both my mom and dad had full time jobs at this point. During the summer, my brothers were responsible to watch me. Once in awhile though, one of my parents would have a day off during the week. My brothers loved it when this happened, because without the responsibility of watching me, they could run and play with their friends.

One day, towards the end of summer, my dad was home while my mom worked. My brothers were all off playing with their friends. As I often did, I was in my room playing with my dolls. It wasn't long before my dad came in and sat on the floor next to me. This had never happened before. He started talking about a "friend" of his. He said his friend would always be watching me to make sure I was safe. He also said he knew a game we could play together. He said it was a special game that would be just for us, that I couldn't tell anyone else about it. He said he was sure I would like the game and asked if I wanted to play. I was 6 years old and had no idea what my dad was talking about but a game sounded fun to me.

 As he talked he stood, picking me up and setting me on my bed. He started to take my panties off. I pushed his hands and told him to stop but he said to be still and quiet. He said it was all part of the game. While he unzipped his pants I tried to get up but he held me down. I was scared and crying, I had no idea what he was doing but I knew I didn't want to be there. He talked, telling me to be still, reminding me it was part of our game. Before long there was a horrible pain between my legs and I screamed. He slapped me and his hand went over my mouth as I felt the movement of his body. It seemed like he was never going to stop. When he finally did, the weight of his body on me was almost unbearable.

 It wasn't long before he got up and left my room. I could hear him drawing bath water as I lay on my bed crying. It hurt and I was bleeding. I had never been so scared. I heard him turn the water off and he came back to my room. As he walked towards my bed, I cried harder. He told me that next time I better not scream and he reminded me that his friend would be watching me all the time. He said his friend would tell him if I told anyone about our game. Then he told me to get in the bath and clean myself up.

Although I didn't know it at the time, this was just the beginning of what my life would be like. Many years have passed and although I now know my dad's "friend" wasn't real, I can still see his image in my head.

It is hard at times to tell my story but I believe that it is one that needs to be told. I am telling my story so others will know they are not the "only" ones. I want them to know it wasn't their fault. I want you, as our friends, to understand some of what we lived through. I want people to realize that these things really do happen. Most important, I want you to know that working though the abuse will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but that it is worth it and you CAN do it.